Communication is the lifeblood of every marriage, yet it’s the very thing that often feels out of reach for so many couples. Most of the time, couples can't even pinpoint whats gone wrong, and simply shrug their shoulders and say "communication is our issue." There are countless tools and tricks to get better at communication, books like "How to Win Friends and Influence People", "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" but communication is change in our hearts and intensions. How I communicate starts with how I listen. Do I seek to understand him or her? Do I study what makes him or her upset or stressed? Or do I seek to be understood.
In the marriage ministry ReEngage, we would talk about communcation often, and I thought I would take from the chapter on communication to share with you. It has helped us, and it has helped so many we have worked with!
Scripture offers us hope and a better way forward. James 1:19b says, “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger.” This verse reminds us that the goal of communication isn’t just to be heard but to foster mutual understanding—a cornerstone of marital oneness.
God designed communication not as a tool to defend our positions or win arguments but as a way to serve and bless one another. As you reflect on your marriage, consider this guiding principle: give yourself away in your communication.
Recognizing Negative Communication Patterns
To communicate well, we must first identify and remove the habits that sabotage it. Below are four common negative patterns and ways to address them:
1. Withdraw and Avoid
• What It Is: Withdrawal happens when you refuse to engage or shut down during important discussions. Avoidance occurs when you choose not to address difficult topics, faking peace instead of making it.
• What to Do: If this is your tendency, commit to having those tough conversations. Be present even when it’s uncomfortable. If your spouse struggles with withdrawal or avoidance, gently ask, “What is it about me that makes it hard for you to communicate with me?” Share why you struggle and invite honesty.
2. Escalate
• What It Is: Escalation happens when a conversation becomes hostile, often fueled by sarcasm, name-calling, yelling, or subtle jabs.
• What to Do: When conflict escalates, call a “time-out” before the situation becomes damaging. Set a time to return to the conversation with cooler heads. This pause gives you both space to reflect and approach the discussion with grace.
3. Negatively Interpret
• What It Is: This occurs when you assume the worst about your spouse’s motives or interpret their words and actions through a negative lens. Often, this pattern stems from insecurity or past relational wounds.
• What to Do: Choose to believe the best about your spouse. When you’re uncertain about their intent, ask clarifying questions instead of making assumptions.
4. Invalidate
• What It Is: Invalidation happens when you dismiss, criticize, or minimize your spouse’s thoughts or feelings. It can make them feel insignificant or unheard.
• What to Do: Remember that the goal of communication is to understand, not to win. Respect your spouse’s perspective, even if you disagree. Listen intently, affirm their value, and ensure they feel heard.
Communication as a Spiritual Practice
The way you communicate with your spouse reflects your relationship with God. Romans 12:18 reminds us, “If possible, so far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all.” This is especially true in marriage. Communication is an opportunity to honor God by pursuing peace and mutual understanding.
This doesn’t mean avoiding hard conversations or difficult truths. Instead, it means speaking the truth in love, as Ephesians 4:15 instructs. When communication is framed by humility, patience, and a willingness to listen, it becomes a pathway for God’s grace to work in your marriage.
A Few Verses to Use:
• Proverbs 29:11: Self-control in communication
• Matthew 5:22: The danger of anger
• 1 Corinthians 13:7: Believing the best about your spouse
• Ephesians 4:15: Speaking truth in love
So this week ask yourself what you can do to serve your spouse as you improve your communcation!
If you like this article give us a heart and we can do a worksheet next article that will help you.